You know how everyone loves those Christmas sugar cookies? But after the holidays there’s always that one little broken cookie in the jar that’s all alone? I was definitely that cookie today.
Let me rewind a bit for this all to make sense. I’m a junior in college. My dad told my mom and I (I’m an only child), that he had been cheating on my mom for 4 years when I was a junior in high school. It was terrible. I literally can’t put into words the anger and fury I felt towards him for years. Our relationship improved a bit after the divorce was finalized my freshman year of college, and has proved since. I still feel setbacks though.
Today I went to his house and made Christmas cookies and chocolates with his girlfriend, her sisters, and a cousin, as well as a sister and the cousin’s daughters, plus grandma. I’d met almost everyone before but there was something about this time that I felt myself breaking inside.
I’m still exhausted from finals, and they all seemed so close. I was included but it’s still so numbing being on the outside looking in. I had fun, I really did, but now that I’m home I just want to cry. I feel so alone. My mom isn’t here and of course my roommates are home with their families.
For some reason the holidays bring out the sadness in me. I’ve only ever had one serious boyfriend, which wasn’t that serious, but these are the days I want to curl up in a guy’s bed with him. Not do anything unmentionable (of course I wouldn’t say no to that either), just have someone next to me that I know has only me in mind. For once.
I have a tattoo that says ‘Alis volat propriis’ which means ‘she flies with her own wings’ in Latin. It means I can take care of myself and I don’t really need anyone else, that I’m strong enough on my own. But these are the moments I wish I did need someone else.
I’ll just pick myself up, and dust myself off again, slip on my tallest heels and keep walking like I don’t even remember I fell. Just like I always do. And please, I don’t need any pity nor do I want it, I just wanted to say this all to get it out of my system.
And I think I’ll read a book and nap now.