Category Archives: Running Thoughts

Continental Drift

Hey there.
So, needless to say, it’s been a long, long time since I’ve posted anything. To update in as few words as possible, I spent the summer between my Junior and Senior years of undergrad taking a biochemistry class and struggling finding a good guy. As per every good story’s start, I thought I found one, and then I had the rug ripped out from under me haha. No hard feelings whatsoever though, it took me maybe half a day to get over him and realize I liked him because I wanted to like someone. Shortly afterward I met a guy from Scotland, and we only knew each other for a few days, but he really opened my eyes to the fact that it’s almost innate when you like a person, and they like you back… He and I are still in almost constant contact, even being half a world away, and while I’m nearly positive nothing else will happen between us, he marked an important time in my life in terms of men. It’ll be right when it’s right, and I’ll just know, no questions, doubt in the equation at all.

Back in school for the fall now, and things are changing even more. As I have Fly by Ludovico Einaudi playing on my iTunes, I’m thinking through some things… I have this rare feeling that things are changing. Much like Continental Drift, I can’t see it happening but I know it’s there.

I feel like things are falling into their right places after all this time of being a frustrated teenager with slightly troubled past (parents, divorce, only child, the normal…) School is almost over and I’m feeling happy, despite the coming hardships with classes this term.

I was just accepted to go on a study abroad this winter from December 16th – January 9th to New Zealand! My grades always have made me worry, and this has seriously boosted my confidence not to mention made me the happiest girl in the world. I’m so grateful for everything.

 

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I really need to get some physics homework done, but I promise I’ll be back soon.

xx

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Proud to Be A Woman… Right?

So, I was just over at a friend’s place taking a study break. He’s really quite attractive, and I had this realization that, Yes, I am attracted to him (I already knew that though), but I also get the biggest kick out of even just knowing I can seduce a guy. Don’t even need to actually go through with anything, but the knowledge that I hold that power in my hands is enough to put a little extra swing in my step.

So my question to the interwebs is, obviously while we women like to have power in some form, why is it that holding that particular power is so appealing? Because we know it’s the threshold to getting what we want (potentially)? Or is it less then that, just a more primal need to control who you’re with and knowing you can get who you want?

This guy friend and I are weirdly close, we have this relationship that isn’t anything like one I’ve had with a guy before. We are just friends but we’ve got this really open dialogue and everything else in between. In a healthy way, not a dirty one – jeez people, minds out of the gutter. But we also both know we’d never date each other. And yet, know when I walk into a room he’s looking at me. Such a surge of power. *cue my egomaniacal laugh* I should explain that I have a bit of self-esteem issues, so is this my way of re-compensating what I feel like I’m lacking?

Well, either way. He’s attractive and confusing but he’s a good guy, so I’m proud to say he’s my friend, no matter how confusing things may get with us.

xx

 

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What Higher Education Does to Us:

This is by no means a post slamming college education, I’m in the middle of mine and A. loving it, and B. really quite excited to be here in general. But, there are some things I see people do, or hear stories of from my friends, that makes me want to stereotype them all. Not in a bad way, but in a funny way. Sorry, there’s no other way to put that.

1. The Professor with No Degree – This guy is honestly quite scary. Luckily, there’s only usually ever one of these guys in a lecture hall at a time, but that’s all the professor or the rest of us students can take. He sits up perfectly straight, answers every single question that the professor asks, even if it’s “Oh, where did I set my whiteboard marker?” If he doesn’t yell it out, it’s because he’s creepily whispering the answer under his breath. This particular character sounds like something from a bad 80’s high school movie, but I swear they’re out there. For example, freshman year, my friends had a kid in their chemistry class that would have arguments with the professor in class (and always be wrong). He also happened to be obsessed with the American TV show NCIS… So that was his new secret nickname. By the end of the year my friends were grumbling how “if NCIS says one more thing in class today, I WILL throw my calculator at his head!”)

2. The Jitterbug – This girl ends up getting glares from the whole class by then end of the lecture. She needs something else every single moment of class. First she comes in late, has to take out her papers, and pen and cell phone, and laptop. You think after a few minutes she’s done rustling. Nope. No such luck, now she needs gum, and has to rustle around for that for another three minutes, and in her frenzy to find gum she drops a very loud notebook off her desk. This girl is usually done removing and finding her life in her oversized tote bag about 5 minutes before class is over.

3. The Prom Queen – There’s generally not too much wrong with this girl, but none the less she disgusts me. On an average day, she flounces into class just on time in black leggings, Ugg boots, and a Northface jacket with some generic white v-neck tee shirt underneath carrying her sorority’s customized greek letter tote bag… wearing way too much makeup. Dark makeup, in the middle of the day. She then spends the whole class texting her ‘friends’ with wayyyyy tooo many vowellsss in herr wordss. In her defense, most of the time she’s really a nice person. I just need to get her to agree to let me give her a makeover, that’s all.

4. The Reader – This one I’ll never understand. I honestly saw her more in high school than now in college but, this girl comes to class and honestly looks like she’s ready to learn. She comes on time, sets out all her various materials and then…. cracks open a book? Not even a school book, a fun reading book that, in most cases, I’d like to get my paws on as well. But you’re in class! You cannot multitask that way my dear, I’m very sorry. In the case of college, why come to class when you’re going to read anyhow?! This girl only bothers me because I love to read, and on a given day if I had a choice that’s what I’d be doing. She makes me jealous and re-think my priorities basically haha.

5. The Sleeper – More often than not, an average guy that likes video games way too much. The new COD (Call of Duty) came out so how is he not supposed to play it? He can be seen slowly falling asleep throughout class, though occasionally waking up to glance around the room, as if afraid he teleported somehow in his sleep. I actually witnessed one of these guys today! He woke up just in time to answer the questions each student gets points for. In his defense, he was cute, I like video games (a lot), and he held open the door for me on the way in and the way out of the hall.

xx

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So I’m a Failure, Did You Know?

I’ve been quite the slacker the past weeks, and I’m truly truly sorry. Let me explain: I found out I have mono this past Wednesday and have been attempting to sleep it off while starting classes (they started last week also). Since then, I’ve had a quiz and 3 homework assignments due. And on top of that I’ve been figuring out the application to graduate school and what classes I need to take in the next year to graduate on time. Ugh. It’s all boring, I’m very aware. But I figured I owe you an explanation.

To make up for my lack of presence I give you a few predictions for the coming year, and I’m giggling to myself already about a few of them… And a DIY from FujiFiles, it’s a bit old in the fashion and blogging world, but I’m in love. It’s a perfect iPad case/ purse-y type clutch for my insane multitasking. Later today, I’ll post my weekly shade of nail polish (this one is really brightening up my crappy winter mood), and then depending on how quickly my physics homework and animal science homework gets done tonight, I’ll post a new outfit post (welcome to the redundancy department of redundancy, sorry) either tonight or tomorrow.

xx

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Dear Younger Self

I really want to share this letter I wrote to myself my senior year of high school (3 years ago), to my 13-year old self. If I can say anything about the letter it’s very clear I had a one track mind, that I Needed myself to know. For anyone wondering, this is an amazing way to let things go or make you see facets of yourself you didn’t before. Here it is:

Dear younger self,

            In middle school I know you were going through a rough time: your mind was surrounded by confusion with yourself, school, friends, trying to figure out what you stood for in life, and your beliefs. Frustration was a huge part of this awkward time, as well as anger at never being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. Fear at what was to come in high school was a huge component of this constant frustration, and we can’t forget the chronic anxiety. At. Everything. Small things that never should have mattered, especially to a middle- schooler, could make you break down and cry the moment you got home and safely into your room. Getting a “bad” grade (maybe a B on a test), or fear that your friends were gossiping about you when you got up from the lunch room table. In fact, anything that could possibly be said that was bad about you scared the hell out of you- even comments your teachers or parents said, not to mention what the “popular” people were possibly saying about you.

            All I have to say is DON’T WORRY. I know that when you read this, you won’t believe me, even though I’ve been through everything you’re experiencing right now, you just won’t. You will grow up, you will make it through middle school without having anything terrible happen to you (or said to you), and the fears and worries about growing up are completely irrational. You won’t disappoint your parents and they’ll be proud at everything you’re going to do in life. Now, the anxiety, that actually is a problem, but you get some medicine for it and things will no longer be as worrisome, especially what people could be thinking about you, because let’s face it, they can think what they want. Worrying doesn’t help you accomplish anything. Like I said, I know you’re still going to scrunch your forehead and frown when you read this, disbelieving what I’m telling you, but yes! It is true. I absolutely despise how much you worry, and for all the stress, tears, anger, frustration, and sadness it has caused you. I know you had anxiety about such irrational things partially because you didn’t know how else to react, or maybe you just didn’t understand yourself and where you were going in life yet. Even knowing that, I still despise that middle school became such a mess for us. But really – worrying so irrationally about things that are NOT going to affect your entire future, but instead fearing small, minor, miniscule things is just plain stupid!! Don’t be concerned that I’m mad at you though, I know you are.  I understand everything you went through, and yes it is hard, but you will get through it. You’ll discover soon enough the amazing strength you have, and people will recognize it in you too. I forgive you for anything I’ve ever held against you.

            I am so proud of you. One of the things that make me most proud of what you have done so far is your perseverance. It’s hard to be strong when you’re an only child and you have such anxiety at such a young age, and no one really understands you. People will grow to understand, as you will come to understand yourself. Your strength to continue fighting a battle that seems as if it could be lost as a moment’s notice is amazing, and people will notice that too. As your mother will say, you have “chutzpah,” and then she’ll break out in laughter about the Germans on her mother’s side of the family as you stand there confused. Without that strength, you would have given up, even in middle school when things seemed impassable.  Thank you.

            I’ve already given you the best advice I can: don’t worry, roll with the punches, let the cards fall as they may, que sera sera, take it one day at a time, and just take a deep breath…  You can do this, you will do this, just let things happen as they will, and relax. I can tell you if you listen to this at all you will learn how to relax. You won’t worry so much, you can do this, and you can be a vet. Just don’t worry so much. For now, take things at face value and don’t over analyze everything you’re told. You are truly beautiful, both inside and out, and you’ll learn to recognize it in yourself. You fall hard in love with a wonderful man who is still figuring out who he is in life and where he wants to go. You’ll be friends and lovers; at the least gain a best friend for life, and at the most, (possibly) something every girl dreams of too, I won’t give it away. Remember your mom and dad will always be there for you and support you. Yes, you will still be riding horses when you’re older, and you’ll love it just as much as you do now. The fear that I know is held in a tight little knot in your stomach will dissipate, and your anxiety will dull down. The greatest things in life (good or bad) are always unknown before they happen, so what’s the point in worrying about them?

Love & Happy Travels,

Lisa

xx

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Christmas Cookies and Broken Hearts

You know how everyone loves those Christmas sugar cookies? But after the holidays there’s always that one little broken cookie in the jar that’s all alone? I was definitely that cookie today.

Let me rewind a bit for this all to make sense. I’m a junior in college. My dad told my mom and I (I’m an only child), that he had been cheating on my mom for 4 years when I was a junior in high school. It was terrible. I literally can’t put into words the anger and fury I felt towards him for years. Our relationship improved a bit after the divorce was finalized my freshman year of college, and has proved since. I still feel setbacks though.

Today I went to his house and made Christmas cookies and chocolates with his girlfriend, her sisters, and a cousin, as well as a sister and the cousin’s daughters, plus grandma. I’d met almost everyone before but there was something about this time that I felt myself breaking inside.

I’m still exhausted from finals, and they all seemed so close. I was included but it’s still so numbing being on the outside looking in. I had fun, I really did, but now that I’m home I just want to cry. I feel so alone. My mom isn’t here and of course my roommates are home with their families.

For some reason the holidays bring out the sadness in me. I’ve only ever had one serious boyfriend, which wasn’t that serious, but these are the days I want to curl up in a guy’s bed with him. Not do anything unmentionable (of course I wouldn’t say no to that either), just have someone next to me that I know has only me in mind. For once.

I have a tattoo that says ‘Alis volat propriis’ which means ‘she flies with her own wings’ in Latin. It means I can take care of myself and I don’t really need anyone else, that I’m strong enough on my own. But these are the moments I wish I did need someone else.

I’ll just pick myself up, and dust myself off again, slip on my tallest heels and keep walking like I don’t even remember I fell. Just like I always do. And please, I don’t need any pity nor do I want it, I just wanted to say this all to get it out of my system.

And I think I’ll read a book and nap now.
xx

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Endings and Beginnings

This is sort of odd to me, to just start something *snap* out of the blue. I think I need to though. There are a few things I’m not very good at in life, like trusting people, letting go of worries, and (like the title says) endings. It’s not that there’s something ending at the moment except for the fall term of college just ended for me (go MSU!), it’s just the term ending got me thinking: People are ever-changing creatures; in our looks, manner, style, everything. Why is it that when something big (or not so big) can turn us on our heads temporarily?

It may be bad to say but I think we’ve become creatures of habit. Not that we can’t roll with the punches if something doesn’t go our way, but I think that uproarious moments in life have an unsoothing effect of loss of control. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself, but since I had this lovely revelation (thank you finals), I’m going to try to be more relaxed about changes. I’m sure I’ll still worry that something can go wrong or I’ll do badly on a final, but I’d like to handle it more gracefully, not venting to my friends about things as much.

I said it in my ‘about me’ section; life is in the memories of the journey, not the destination. I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder why all I did was worry all the time. Teenagers are melodramatic, I get that, I’m perfectly alright with being melodramatic, but I promise from now on things aren’t going to effect my internal Richter scale so much.

That said, no more 9.0 earthquakes, only 4.0’s (Get it? Finals joke… It was bad I know).

And beginnings? There’s always something new around the corner, whether you see it or sense it coming or you simply don’t, and it’s a surprise. Everything has a beginning and an end, but I think it’s worth it to be as excited for both parts since something could stem from the ending of another thing… They always say that when a door closes, a window opens (or something like that).

xx

PS. To make up for my bad joke, here is Lana Del Rey’s new music video/single “Born to Die,” off her debut album which I believe will be released in America on January 31st. Happy Listening!

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