Tag Archives: Life

Proud to Be A Woman… Right?

So, I was just over at a friend’s place taking a study break. He’s really quite attractive, and I had this realization that, Yes, I am attracted to him (I already knew that though), but I also get the biggest kick out of even just knowing I can seduce a guy. Don’t even need to actually go through with anything, but the knowledge that I hold that power in my hands is enough to put a little extra swing in my step.

So my question to the interwebs is, obviously while we women like to have power in some form, why is it that holding that particular power is so appealing? Because we know it’s the threshold to getting what we want (potentially)? Or is it less then that, just a more primal need to control who you’re with and knowing you can get who you want?

This guy friend and I are weirdly close, we have this relationship that isn’t anything like one I’ve had with a guy before. We are just friends but we’ve got this really open dialogue and everything else in between. In a healthy way, not a dirty one – jeez people, minds out of the gutter. But we also both know we’d never date each other. And yet, know when I walk into a room he’s looking at me. Such a surge of power. *cue my egomaniacal laugh* I should explain that I have a bit of self-esteem issues, so is this my way of re-compensating what I feel like I’m lacking?

Well, either way. He’s attractive and confusing but he’s a good guy, so I’m proud to say he’s my friend, no matter how confusing things may get with us.

xx

 

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Dear Younger Self

I really want to share this letter I wrote to myself my senior year of high school (3 years ago), to my 13-year old self. If I can say anything about the letter it’s very clear I had a one track mind, that I Needed myself to know. For anyone wondering, this is an amazing way to let things go or make you see facets of yourself you didn’t before. Here it is:

Dear younger self,

            In middle school I know you were going through a rough time: your mind was surrounded by confusion with yourself, school, friends, trying to figure out what you stood for in life, and your beliefs. Frustration was a huge part of this awkward time, as well as anger at never being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, etc. Fear at what was to come in high school was a huge component of this constant frustration, and we can’t forget the chronic anxiety. At. Everything. Small things that never should have mattered, especially to a middle- schooler, could make you break down and cry the moment you got home and safely into your room. Getting a “bad” grade (maybe a B on a test), or fear that your friends were gossiping about you when you got up from the lunch room table. In fact, anything that could possibly be said that was bad about you scared the hell out of you- even comments your teachers or parents said, not to mention what the “popular” people were possibly saying about you.

            All I have to say is DON’T WORRY. I know that when you read this, you won’t believe me, even though I’ve been through everything you’re experiencing right now, you just won’t. You will grow up, you will make it through middle school without having anything terrible happen to you (or said to you), and the fears and worries about growing up are completely irrational. You won’t disappoint your parents and they’ll be proud at everything you’re going to do in life. Now, the anxiety, that actually is a problem, but you get some medicine for it and things will no longer be as worrisome, especially what people could be thinking about you, because let’s face it, they can think what they want. Worrying doesn’t help you accomplish anything. Like I said, I know you’re still going to scrunch your forehead and frown when you read this, disbelieving what I’m telling you, but yes! It is true. I absolutely despise how much you worry, and for all the stress, tears, anger, frustration, and sadness it has caused you. I know you had anxiety about such irrational things partially because you didn’t know how else to react, or maybe you just didn’t understand yourself and where you were going in life yet. Even knowing that, I still despise that middle school became such a mess for us. But really – worrying so irrationally about things that are NOT going to affect your entire future, but instead fearing small, minor, miniscule things is just plain stupid!! Don’t be concerned that I’m mad at you though, I know you are.  I understand everything you went through, and yes it is hard, but you will get through it. You’ll discover soon enough the amazing strength you have, and people will recognize it in you too. I forgive you for anything I’ve ever held against you.

            I am so proud of you. One of the things that make me most proud of what you have done so far is your perseverance. It’s hard to be strong when you’re an only child and you have such anxiety at such a young age, and no one really understands you. People will grow to understand, as you will come to understand yourself. Your strength to continue fighting a battle that seems as if it could be lost as a moment’s notice is amazing, and people will notice that too. As your mother will say, you have “chutzpah,” and then she’ll break out in laughter about the Germans on her mother’s side of the family as you stand there confused. Without that strength, you would have given up, even in middle school when things seemed impassable.  Thank you.

            I’ve already given you the best advice I can: don’t worry, roll with the punches, let the cards fall as they may, que sera sera, take it one day at a time, and just take a deep breath…  You can do this, you will do this, just let things happen as they will, and relax. I can tell you if you listen to this at all you will learn how to relax. You won’t worry so much, you can do this, and you can be a vet. Just don’t worry so much. For now, take things at face value and don’t over analyze everything you’re told. You are truly beautiful, both inside and out, and you’ll learn to recognize it in yourself. You fall hard in love with a wonderful man who is still figuring out who he is in life and where he wants to go. You’ll be friends and lovers; at the least gain a best friend for life, and at the most, (possibly) something every girl dreams of too, I won’t give it away. Remember your mom and dad will always be there for you and support you. Yes, you will still be riding horses when you’re older, and you’ll love it just as much as you do now. The fear that I know is held in a tight little knot in your stomach will dissipate, and your anxiety will dull down. The greatest things in life (good or bad) are always unknown before they happen, so what’s the point in worrying about them?

Love & Happy Travels,

Lisa

xx

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Christmas Cookies and Broken Hearts

You know how everyone loves those Christmas sugar cookies? But after the holidays there’s always that one little broken cookie in the jar that’s all alone? I was definitely that cookie today.

Let me rewind a bit for this all to make sense. I’m a junior in college. My dad told my mom and I (I’m an only child), that he had been cheating on my mom for 4 years when I was a junior in high school. It was terrible. I literally can’t put into words the anger and fury I felt towards him for years. Our relationship improved a bit after the divorce was finalized my freshman year of college, and has proved since. I still feel setbacks though.

Today I went to his house and made Christmas cookies and chocolates with his girlfriend, her sisters, and a cousin, as well as a sister and the cousin’s daughters, plus grandma. I’d met almost everyone before but there was something about this time that I felt myself breaking inside.

I’m still exhausted from finals, and they all seemed so close. I was included but it’s still so numbing being on the outside looking in. I had fun, I really did, but now that I’m home I just want to cry. I feel so alone. My mom isn’t here and of course my roommates are home with their families.

For some reason the holidays bring out the sadness in me. I’ve only ever had one serious boyfriend, which wasn’t that serious, but these are the days I want to curl up in a guy’s bed with him. Not do anything unmentionable (of course I wouldn’t say no to that either), just have someone next to me that I know has only me in mind. For once.

I have a tattoo that says ‘Alis volat propriis’ which means ‘she flies with her own wings’ in Latin. It means I can take care of myself and I don’t really need anyone else, that I’m strong enough on my own. But these are the moments I wish I did need someone else.

I’ll just pick myself up, and dust myself off again, slip on my tallest heels and keep walking like I don’t even remember I fell. Just like I always do. And please, I don’t need any pity nor do I want it, I just wanted to say this all to get it out of my system.

And I think I’ll read a book and nap now.
xx

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Endings and Beginnings

This is sort of odd to me, to just start something *snap* out of the blue. I think I need to though. There are a few things I’m not very good at in life, like trusting people, letting go of worries, and (like the title says) endings. It’s not that there’s something ending at the moment except for the fall term of college just ended for me (go MSU!), it’s just the term ending got me thinking: People are ever-changing creatures; in our looks, manner, style, everything. Why is it that when something big (or not so big) can turn us on our heads temporarily?

It may be bad to say but I think we’ve become creatures of habit. Not that we can’t roll with the punches if something doesn’t go our way, but I think that uproarious moments in life have an unsoothing effect of loss of control. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself, but since I had this lovely revelation (thank you finals), I’m going to try to be more relaxed about changes. I’m sure I’ll still worry that something can go wrong or I’ll do badly on a final, but I’d like to handle it more gracefully, not venting to my friends about things as much.

I said it in my ‘about me’ section; life is in the memories of the journey, not the destination. I don’t want to look back on my life and wonder why all I did was worry all the time. Teenagers are melodramatic, I get that, I’m perfectly alright with being melodramatic, but I promise from now on things aren’t going to effect my internal Richter scale so much.

That said, no more 9.0 earthquakes, only 4.0’s (Get it? Finals joke… It was bad I know).

And beginnings? There’s always something new around the corner, whether you see it or sense it coming or you simply don’t, and it’s a surprise. Everything has a beginning and an end, but I think it’s worth it to be as excited for both parts since something could stem from the ending of another thing… They always say that when a door closes, a window opens (or something like that).

xx

PS. To make up for my bad joke, here is Lana Del Rey’s new music video/single “Born to Die,” off her debut album which I believe will be released in America on January 31st. Happy Listening!

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